oh god the rape fog is back!
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
