Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
