do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
