im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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