Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
