im having a threesome with these popsicles
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
