My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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