I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
i need some magic done to my vagina
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize