theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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