I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Randomize
