I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
