Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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