Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
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