Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Randomize
