She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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