college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
