I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
