please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
