If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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