it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
