Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Randomize
