Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
