I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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