Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
