Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
