apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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