God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
so let's talk penis.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
