when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
