someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
