I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
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