Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
