Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
