Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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