is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
