Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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