i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
