We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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