dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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