Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
