I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Randomize
