the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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