How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?â€
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