remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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