erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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