so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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