yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
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