I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
