don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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