I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
