This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize
