I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I'm at about main and main street
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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