You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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