I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
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