I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize