Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
