1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Randomize
