i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
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