i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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