Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Randomize
