Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
