So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
