When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
