Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
