This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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