she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
