Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
