the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
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